Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
