somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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