So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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