her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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