I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
