I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
