He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Please don't give away my fajitas
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
