So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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