Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
