i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
