Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
