the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
