I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
