Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
