It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
