so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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