Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
