Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
