tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
