Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Redeem this text for a blowjob
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
