Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
