jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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