Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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