i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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