Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
