my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
