I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
