If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
