i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
