We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
