It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wear drunk well.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
