I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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