btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
