it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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