You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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