I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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