genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
