there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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