And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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