I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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