i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
