i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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