I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
