Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
