Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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