My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize