Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i may or may not be watching the land before time
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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