I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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