Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
