Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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