After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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