My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
