My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
