someone threw a dead crab at me
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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