I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize