Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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