Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
why do cheetos always look like penises
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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