dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
