Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Rumble strips road head = magical
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
