Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
