3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
