I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize