Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
