So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Church boner. Awkwardddd
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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