I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So apparently I’m into choking now
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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