You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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