dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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