He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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