a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
