We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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