Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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