yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
