Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
