Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
