HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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