Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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